A Winter Memory

Alright, Sir MM. Here's your critique:

Overall Impressions:

Your writing style is absolutely delicious. You manage to keep your reader reading and entertained. The sentence structure varies nicely and you always, always kept me guessing. Description is obviously your forte. I can see everything. I can see the snow. I can see the bird, the wolf, crystal, the wet and bloody dress. You paint a very vivid picture, without overwhelming. Kudos.

Characters:

Crystal is a mystery. But that doesn't mean she is without personality. She is both interesting and real. No Mary-Sueness here that I can see. We also have Crystal's mother, who is less unique. The mom is actually pretty stereotypical so far. Kind, warm, sweet. In a word, predictable. If ever she shows up in your story again, shake her up. Add persnality flaws or secrets. And we have the ranger. His character is fake. He isn't real to me. I can't picture him, he speaks unnaturally, and he doesn't act like someone hired out by the government. Any person would care a little bit more about some girl lost and injured in the middle of nowhere. He/she would clean the girl up, give her a bed, talk to her. But no, not this guy. He just stands there. He probably psycho, but he's still not real. The main reason, however, I don't think the ranger is well done, is that you haven't described him much. You describe everything but the ranger wonderfully. Work on giving him an image. Describe the station too. It'll help contrast and add depth to the ranger.

Dialogue:

Your dialogue is good. Especially the interchange between the hooded character and Crystal at the beginning. Very well done.

"Look at me, Crystal. I'm your mother, and I know that this is going to be the happiest day of your life.

"It seems to me you're not too keen on working. That needs punishment. Now I ain't your daddy, so a spanking is out of the question. But a little time alone should straighten you out, little lady."

Cool. I didn't find anything to correct...so this is a pointless post . I was a little confused , but I'm not really supposed to know what's going on so it is fine. Good job.

-the green one

Dark, damp, and cold.

"So what are you doing here all alone in the forest, little lady?"

Crystal looked down at her hands. She wasn't young. She knew she was old enough to know where she was and why she was there. But that didn't seem to be the case. If only she really were young, then it wouldn't seem so bad. Just being an innocent child wandering out in the forest, so naive and uncaring.

"I don't know," she admitted. The ranger seemed to fondle his finely polished rifle for a moment, almost as if he hadn't heard her. He snorted.

"Now don't go lying to me," he said with a small smirk. "You've got to know where you are. Just look at you, all dressed up in a pretty white gown. Off to some dance, are you?"

Crystal shook her head. "I said I don't know."

A small clock in the corner of the room ticked away, and the Ranger allowed its monotone sound to fill the room before speaking. He looked down.

"It looks you've made a bit of a mess in my cabin," he said, resting the rifle across one shoulder.

Crystal glanced at the trail of her own blood that led from the door to the small box where she was now seated. Blood still continued to flow from the gash on the back of her leg, forming a small puddle at her feet.

"You should at least clean it up for me. That's a proper thing for a young lady to do. You see, I'm a busy man and all, and I don't have time to clean up little messes."

The Ranger walked back into his small office at the end of the cabin, and returned with a white towel. He threw at Crystal, who allowed it just to fall in her lap. She stared down at it, her face almost expressionless.

White, perfect, and clean.

"Well don't be afraid to pick it up," snapped the Ranger. "Now get to work."

As if on auto-pilot, Crystal grabbed the towel and sank to her knees. In smooth, rhythmic motions she began to wipe away the blood. Stain after stain littered the white little thing, until it was nothing but a mass of dark crimson. Crystal almost reached the door when the Ranger snorted again.

"You missed a spot."

Grasping the blood-soaked towel tightly, Crystal turned around. As she was cleaning the trail, drips from her wound had made a fresh one. She numbly wiped up the new puddles, until she realized that she was merely moving the blood side to side; the towel couldn't hold anymore.

"I can't clean it," she breathed. "The blood won't stop coming."

The Ranger walked over to her, his big, leather boots making thud after thud on the hard wood floor. He swung the nose of his rifle down near her hands, and then held it like a fancy cane.

"Then you best keep cleaning till your good and shriveled," he said. "Because I can't have no dirty floor."

Crystal wasn't listening anymore. Her breathing had become labored, and she simply stared down at her shaking, blood-stained hands. Why couldn't she think straight anymore? Just clean the blood. The man with the big gun wants it clean. Just move an arm and wipe it. Just wipe it.

"Is your head on straight?" demanded the Ranger. "I said keep cleaning."

Crystal could only hear her own deep, spontaneous breaths. Nothing else mattered. She just needed to breathe. In and out, in and out. Everything had a rhythm. All she needed to do was follow that rhythm.

Something cold and hard brushed against her cheek. The Ranger was probing her face with his rifle. The long metal barrel under her chin forced her to look up at him, and she saw something in his eyes that she didn't notice before. It was strangely familiar. That subtle battle of anger and willpower. The ugliness.

"It seems to me you're not too keen on working. That needs punishment. Now I ain't your daddy, so a spanking is out of the question. But a little time alone should straighten you out, little lady."

The Ranger reached down like lightning and pulled Crystal to her feet by the back of her dress. Her world instantly began spinning, and she couldn't tell which way her legs were being made to walk. The Ranger kept talking while he dragged her, but everything came out in a jumble of sounds. Crystal did make out the words "little lady" now and again, but that was all.

The corridor stretched out forever as she was repeatedly yanked by the back of her dress. Aches began to pierce her upper body. She tripped once, but the Ranger's grip was tight, and he held her even as she dangled stupidly in the air. She couldn't even focus on her breathing now. Out of rhythm, out of step.

And then it all stopped. Crystal was standing upright, and the world only shook back and forth now, slowly settling back into focus. A small door swung in before her, and all the light seemed to get sucked out of the corridor.

"You'll enjoy it here, little lady."

The pair of rough hands grasped her shoulders, and she was made to walk forward again. The closer she came the more the room began to fill her whole world. Everything else was being pushed aside, erased from the picture.

And then he pushed her, and darkness met darkness as Crystal fell headfirst into her new world.

Dark, damp, and cold.

Sweet! I finally found it . Here I go.

Crystal was now running uphill, with the ranger's station perched on top [s]atop the hill[/s]. She could feel her legs growing white hot and large knots [s]being[/s] pulled tight in her sides. She sensed the wolf at her tail, and she was sure that within seconds it would all be over.

Sorry this took so long...

I tend to start with general comments but this piece is in parts so I think I shall get the specific suggestions out of the way first...

Part one -

The snowflakes around it seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection. [You use too many words here. Words are great in descriptive, opening scenes but this story is full of action and you want to create a dramatic effect. Perhaps something like 'In this area, the snowflakes swirled violently, angry that their subtle perfection had been flawed.']

It zoomed [This isn't a great way to describe the movement of a bird. Maybe 'It launched into the air, navigating through the vortex of snowflakes until it alighted upon an old, broken sign.'] off several yards way, finally settling on a broken old sign.

Part two -

It was as if she was stepping into some kind of gel, with the snow sucking in her foot as it sank.

And then it hardened.

Something sickening fell into the pit[s]s[/s] of Crystal's stomach.

The gel-like snow had hardened [s]like[/s] to cement.

Crystal sat in front of a mirror, staring back at her blank expression. She also saw the white, lacey dress she had on.

"Oh, you just look so beautiful," came a [s]chocked[/s] choked voice from behind her.

Dozens of anxious faces turned in unison to face her, while a lone tuxedoed man [s]only[/s] stood with hands folded at the alter, smiling at her.

Part three -

She saw the wolf, but at the same time it felt as if she wasn't there.

_______________________

In general, you have a good story here with an intriguing plot. The mystery aspect of this is well written and I love the hints of murder and treachery but your characterization isn't perfect. Crystal is well defined with just enough information to interest the reader but the woman she meets needs more work. I think you should describe her tone of voice more and does she evoke no feeling within Crystal? If so, you should at least mention this and then build on that. What is Crystal's first impression of the woman. Is she to be trusted? Does Crystal believe her?

I don't think there's much more advice I can give you but keep writing, I'd love to find out more about Crystal's past.

Ahh! There's still so much that we don't know. The suspense is driving me insane. Insaaaane, I tell you.

Something inside her didn't seem to be working. She saw the wolf, but the same time it felt as if she wasn't there. It was almost like the wolf was a dream.

The low growling sent an unsettling shiver through Crystal's body. It was ripping her apart. The waves of sound went slowly through her, dismantling her insides. The heat also dulled her senses; she felt smothered by it.

It was now snowing softly, whereas before it had been almost deathly quiet. The wind made a soft whistling that weaved between the tree branches, as if some voice was calling out beyond the horizon.

But Crystal noticed none of this. What she did notice was the angry wolf that crouched low before her, its teeth protruding viciously from the sides of its mouth. The grayish fur made it seem like a small smudge on the forest floor. A very terrifying smudge.

Crystal stood almost completely still, her breathing as shallow as she could possibly make it. Something inside her didn't seem to be working. She saw the wolf, but the same time it felt as if she wasn't there. It was almost like the wolf was a dream. They both seemed to be in suspended animation, the soft whistling wind blowing through their ears.

The low growling sent an unsettling shiver through Crystal's body. It was ripping her apart. The waves of sound went slowly through her, dismantling her insides. The heat also dulled her senses; she felt smothered by it.

And then a chirping sound drove its way through the hostile barrier. A little red bird flew over Crystal's head, landing on a branch hanging just above the wolf. Crystal flicked her eyes up a fraction of an inch and saw the bird cock its head out of the corner of her eye. It began to flap its wings violently, and kept making a high pitched chirp. Crystal could feel the frame of tension cracking, and the wolf even moved its head an inch lower.

Her breathing quickened, but it wasn't out of fear. The surge of adrenaline was finally catching up with her, and her vision came into sharp focus. The long, pointed fangs of the wolf finally seemed to register with her as the whole world became crisp and clear.

The bird was still making a commotion, flapping and chirping in a mad frenzy. It was calling to her, urging her. Crystal could almost hear it screaming. And like everything else that became clear, she finally heard what it was telling her.

Run

Crystal turned on the spot and started pumping her legs forward as fast as she could. The wolf snarled viciously behind her, and she knew instantly that the chase was on. The snow was thinner here, so she didn't sink every time she took a step. Everything was a blur around her until a large, boxy structure suddenly came into view. The ranger's station. Somehow Crystal had come within several yards of it while she was unconscious. How that happened, she dared not think about at the moment.

Crystal was now running uphill, with the ranger's station perched atop the hill. She could feel her legs growing white hot and large knots being pulled tight in her sides. She sensed the wolf at her tail, and she was sure that within seconds it would all be over.

But the station was so close. Everything whizzed by as the large, wooden door fell into her sights. If only it was open, she could run in. But the windows were dark and frosty; no one seemed to be in there. Yet she ran. There was no other choice.

A ferocious growl exploded in Crystal's ears. And then she felt it. Something penetrated deep into her skin, and an icy jolt struck her like lightning. But she didn't stumble or fall forward. Somehow she kept going forward until her hand clutched the small iron knob, and she fell against the door like a dead weight.

And it swung open.

Crystal collapsed inside, her shoulder coming down painfully against the floor. Without thinking she kicked the door back out, and it slammed shut with such force that the sound almost shattered her senses.

The pounding in her head blocked everything out, and for a while she just lay there, desperately trying to force oxygen back into her system. Everything became silent, and Crystal could hear a faint dripping sound. She felt around the floor until her fingers dipped into something wet. Bringing her hand above her face, she was met with a palm full of shining blood.

"It's after hours," came a voice as heavy and smooth as the night.

Crystal moved her head around so she was looking upside down, and she could barely make out the outline of a pair of rough boots.

"And I don't open for no red riding hoods."

Wooooow. I love love love. I can't wait to see this make it to full fruition so we can read the whole story.

In the first chapter:

magicman wrote:She sank to her knees, trying to breathe deep, even breaths. It wouldn't work.

Her eyes continued to glaze over the scenery. A boulder. Someone was sitting on it, with a heavy cloak draped over her. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she looked towards the ground, as if praying.

Crystal

For a moment all she could see was the name. Clear and bright, each letter detailed and perfect in her vision. Her name. Crystal was her name.

Hello there, Magicman. I will be your CCF Critique this evening. Please place your tray in the upright position and....*attention span depleted*

magicman wrote:I can't sleep now.

Snowflakes drifted down from the heavens. They spiraled and swirled in the winter air as if dancing to a symphony. The trees were wrapped in blankets of white, yet standing tall in the face of the biting winds. Even the layers of snow on the floor lay smooth and perfect.

Well, almost perfect. Well placed. Most of the time sentence length paragraphs are far to weak to stand on thir own but you did a superb job of placing one that is quite strong.

There was a lump in the mix, interrupting the quiet beauty of the forest. It was white [s]as well[/s], but still distinctly out of place. The snowflakes around it seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection.

This lump[s], though,[/s] was something more than a disturbance[s].[/s], [s]I[/s]it was a person. She lay there in the snow, a bundle of white and flesh. After a while she began to stir, the thin layer of frost falling off of her. Her black hair was in a tangle around her face, and as she stood up in the deep snow it seemed as if it was plastered to her skin.

Who am I?

She walked slowly at first; her feet kept sinking into the snow. The white, lacey dress that clung to her sides seemed to blend in with ground, making her look like she was growing out of it. Soon she lost her balance, and held on to one of the trees.

Where am I?

She sank to her knees, trying to breathe deep, even breaths. It wouldn't work. The anxiety kept dripping in her like water. She looked up at the surrounding landscape, taking it all in. The snow, the trees, the mountains. But why wasn't she cold?

Where...

Her eyes continued to g[s]l[/s]aze over the scenery. A boulder. Someone was sitting on it, [s]with [/s]a heavy cloak draped over her. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she looked towards the ground, as if praying.

This was a bit confusing. The transition from the white dressed girl and the person on the boulder is not clear enough.

Crystal

For a moment all she could see was the name. Clear and bright, each letter detailed and perfect in her vision. Her name. Crystal was her name.

The cloaked figure cocked her head in Crystal's direction. Her lips formed into something like a smile. But as Crystal crawled towards her, she could not see her face. But those lips...

"I thought you would never get up."

Crystal felt dizzy. She had not expected the hooded person to speak. She had almost thought it was a statue, or some figment of her imagination[s].[/s], [s]B[/s]but she seemed real enough. At least, more real than the snow, or the forest, or the cold she could not feel...

Crystal reached out a hand and grasped the bottom of the cloak, just to prove to herself that the person was indeed there.

"Please, get up," said the figure, and Crystal could feel the cloth being tugged out of her clutches. "You look like an animal."

Was she an animal? No, that couldn't be. She certainly didn't feel like an animal. But then again, what did being an animal feel like? Crystal didn't know[s].[/s], [s]B[/s]but she did know that animals could not speak.

"What happened?" she croaked. Painfully, Crystal got back to her feet. A little unsteady, she tried to focus on the pitch black hood before her, waiting for an answer.

"You mean you don't remember?" replied the hood. Crystal couldn't tell if the voice was sympathetic or sarcastic, but she did notice for the first time how beautifully clear and smooth her voice sounded. It was as if silk was gliding over her senses.

Crystal shook her head, and the world started to spin again. The hood's small smile faded, and she rose from the boulder.

"I don't think I believe you," she finally<(Wordswap)> said, crossing her arms behind her back. "I think you know exactly what happened."

Crystal shook her head again.

"Don't lie," spat the hood. "I saw everything. The blood on your dress is proof."

For the first time Crystal became aware of what she was wearing. She glanced down, feeling the lacey dress with her fingers. And near the bottom there was indeed a small stain of crimson. She stared at it for a moment, squinting. It was in such deep contrast to the searing white around them that it almost frightened her.

"This isn't my dress," she said dumbly.

"Of course it's not," said the hood coolly. "And I'm sure you didn't drag her off, either."

"Drag her off?" repeated Crystal, taking a step closer towards the towering black figure. "Who?"

"Yes, Who," said the hood. "That's quite a good question, isn't it? Too bad you don't remember."

Crystal stood there as the hooded figure turned and left, slipping into the depths of the winter forest. As the last of her robe went out of sight, Crystal felt something sink inside her.

"Wait," she said feebly, stumbling a few steps forward. She fell against the boulder, and scraped the palm of her hand on a rough edge. She inhaled sharply, aware of the hair that stuck around her face, hot and sticky. Crystal tightened her grip on the side of the boulder. Why didn't she feel it? Why didn't she feel cold?

"Wait," she whispered again, almost afraid to speak over the deafening silence of the forest.

A small red bird perched itself neatly on the tip of the boulder, as if on cue. Crystal lifted her head slightly. The bird cocked its head at her, and then fluttered out of sight in an instant. It zoomed off several yards way, finally settling on a broken old sign.

As she got up, Crystal kept her eyes focused on the bird. She walked towards it slowly, allowing herself to sink fully into the snow with each step. Like the bloodstain, the bird's red feathers were so sharp against the pale snow that it sent a shiver down her spine.

She stood only a few inches from the bird now, and she reached out her hand to scrape away the frost from the sign's surface. As the letters came into view, the bird sped off again, this time soaring high above the trees.

Ranger's Station
1/4 Mile

The quiet crunching of snow filled the night. Step by step, Crystal walked in heavy footfalls, seeming to sink deeper each time.

It may as well have been crushed styrofoam.

The cold air didn't caress her face; the icy chills didn't run up her spine.

The sky was beginning to grow pitch black and starless, while unnatural shadows seemed to engulf the trees. More of them came together into the open, swirling together into a vortex of darkness. It molded and settled into something tangible, taking the shape of a human.

The quiet crunching of snow filled the night. Step by step, Crystal walked in heavy footfalls, seeming to sink deeper each time. Her eyes stayed ahead, with as much focus as one could gather under a painful headache. Even the crunching would dizzy her at times; it was just so loud.

The ranger's station was supposed to be only a quarter of a mile away, but Crystal felt as if she had walked that distance several times over already. Every snow laden tree and rock she passed looked the same, as if she was walking through a small patch of forest that somehow kept repeating itself.

But the thing Crystal couldn't stand was that she was so warm. She even tried to grab handfuls of snow and smear it on her face. It may as well have been crushed styrofoam. The cold air didn't caress her face; the icy chills didn't run up her spine. She felt as if trapped in a bubble, slowly suffocating inside it.

And the dress.

It seemed to cling to her body, and as she looked down, the bloodstain would continually flap in and out of her sight. She thought maybe it was the reason she couldn't feel any cold. But that was impossible, she told herself. Then again, so was her inability to feel even the slightest chill while almost knee-deep in snow.

Crystal yet again let another foot fall forward into the snow, but this time there was no crunch. Strangely enough, her second step had the same effect. It was if she was stepping into some kind of gel, with the snow sucking in her foot as it sank.

And then hardened.

Something sickening fell into the pits of Crystal's stomach. She tugged at her right leg, and then the left. They wouldn't budge. She twisted her body side to side, straining her legs as much as she could. The gel-like snow had hardened like cement. She was trapped.

The sky was beginning to grow pitch black and starless, while unnatural shadows seemed to engulf the trees. More of them came together into the open, swirling together into a vortex of darkness. It molded and settled into something tangible, taking the shape of a human.

And it walked.

Crystal screamed as the thing came closer, while clawing at her legs like a madwoman. With no face to speak of, it just hung its head and walked toward her, its blurred limbs seeming to move in slow motion. The world around her continued to grow darker; soon Crystal was incased in a dome of shadows.

"Get away!" she screeched. She yelled and yelled, screaming at it in the dead of night. The clumps of snow she threw never seemed to get far enough, falling just short of the faceless demon.

But still it came closer. Its shadowy residue began licking at Crystal's dress. She suddenly stopped screaming. As the blackness touched her, she began to feel something. Her body went limp. The dark monster was on her in an instant, holding her up. As its formless arms grasped her, Crystal gasped. The most beautiful sensation washed over her body and she felt cold. A rush of chill air filled her lungs, and a newfound life cascaded inside her.

The thing gripped her firmly, but Crystal could sense gentleness in its touch. She didn't fear any longer. She felt wonderful and alive.

Looking up into its empty face, Crystal saw the subtle outline of lips, and before she knew it the formless mouth was pressed against her own, and everything was hopelessly blurred.

#

Crystal sat in front of mirror, staring back at her blank expression. She also saw the white, lacey dress she had on. Except, there was something different about it. It was much longer, the tail piled on the floor in elegant ripples.

"Oh, you just look so beautiful," came a chocked voice from behind her. The woman came to her back, and a large, exquisite veil was draped over Crystal's face.

A wedding dress.

"But you must be so nervous," the woman continued, adjusting the veil. "I almost threw up when I got married." Then she laughed a little, and smoothed over the sides of Crystal's dress.

Crystal only stared back at her reflection, her face hidden by the veil. This was it. Her wedding day had finally come. She was getting married.

She was getting married?

She jerked to her feet, almost knocking down the woman in the process. Raising a hand, she felt the thin, pearly material covering her face. It was real. This was real.

"Crystal, what's wrong?" exclaimed the woman, a bit flustered. "And what are you doing with your veil?"

Crystal slowly turned on the spot, turning over the veil in her hands. She looked down towards the floor, shaking her head.

"I'm not supposed to be here."

She didn't understand what was happening inside her. Subtle warmth pulsed through her veins. This place felt so familiar, as well as the dark haired woman standing before her. But at the same time, she felt something was terribly wrong.

"What are you talking about?" said the woman, placing her hands on Crystal's cheeks. An unknown comfort settled inside her. "Look at me, Crystal. I'm your mother, and I know that this is going to be the happiest day of your life. Don't let yourself think otherwise."

Crystal hesitantly placed a hand over her mother's. The familiar touch triggered something within her. Unable to control it, tears streamed down her cheeks. Her mother's wrinkled old face blurred before her, and it was she could do to keep herself from collapsing.

Suddenly there were footsteps, and a tall woman stuck her head into the dressing room.

"Everything okay, Mom?" she called. "How's Crystal?"

"She - she's fine, Tracy," her mother yelled back cautiously. "She's almost ready." Some more footsteps and Tracy was gone again.

Crystal's mother looked into her eyes, with her brow furrowed and lips thin. She finally sighed and embraced her. The comforting warmth inside Crystal intensified, and she hugged back, heaving with her sobs. Soon they parted, and her mother grasped Crystal’s shoulders, her expression sharp. A sweet organ melody began playing in the main church hall.

"It's time to go."

"But I can't," gasped Crystal between sobs. "I can't do this, not now."

Her mother only stared more intensely. She reached down and squeezed Crystal's hand, then began leading her to the wide double doors of the church hall. Crystal reluctantly followed, still reeling from the surge of emotion that had come over her.

Soon Crystal was standing only inches away from the long, elegant handles of the door, with gold vines snaking their way up to the ceiling.

"Go," she heard whispered in her ear.

The doors just seemed to fly open by themselves, and a wave of light splashed out into the church lobby. Dozens of anxious faces turned in unison to face her, while a lone tuxedoed man only stood with hands folded at the alter, smiling at her.

Crystal's heart not only fluttered, but soared. Like in a dream she glided down the aisle. She passed several glittering mirrors, but as she turned to them she saw her face veiled and glowing and perfect despite the tears that had been flowing only moments ago. Everything was perfect. The rows of seats were covered in the same gold vines, with violet flowers blooming everywhere. Dazzling sheets of silk hung from above in arcs, showering the place in a myriad of breathtaking colors.

It was all she could do to keep her vision focused ahead; with every step she took towards her husband-to-be, a sense of bliss fell over her. All she could perceive was his clean-shaven face, hair combed back in a neat yet wild manner. This vision grew larger and larger until she was almost nose to nose, staring deep into his green flecked brown eyes.

An "I do" seamlessly left her lips, and before long the veil was lifted, and he kissed her. Crystal kissed him back with such force and passion that she witnessed magnificent explosions of color under closed eyes.

She never wanted to let go.

#

The hot stickiness came back to her as Crystal lay stirring in the snow, and for a moment she wondered whether she had ever been awake, half expecting to see the cloaked figure sitting before her again.

But that couldn't be so, for a low growling now echoed from all around her. Crystal shifted her head, feeling the hairs on her back standing on end. The moon was glowing again upon her frail body, and all the shadows had disappeared.

But as the growling grew louder, Crystal's sight instinctively turned to the last shadow among the trees, where she locked with a pair of shining eyes.

Thanks guys!

sokool15>> I fixed the "even" thing, thanks for catching that...and I changed the hair description. More clear?


MM

This is a really intriguing beginning, and the description is very vivid. I have no idea what's going on, but that's a good thing- it means I HAVE to read more. As long as you eventually explain everything, some confusion in the beginning is good, I think.

Yeah, so... everyone else caught the only flaws I could see...

Sooo this is not constructive. At all. Sorry.

But if you post more, hopefully I can give you a decent critique! ^_^

Oooooh, interesting! I think I'll keep reading this. Intriguing, exciting, and well done on keeping and stirring the reader's interest. It started well, with beautiful descriptions, and then abruptly turned to intrique, hints of murder, and all that exciting stuff.

So great job on that count!

Your writing was overall very smooth and easy to read, and your dialogue was well done. A couple of very tiny nitpicks:

There was a lump in the mix, interrupting the quiet beauty of the forest. It was white as well, but still distinctly out of place. The snowflakes around it even seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection.

This lump, though, was something more than a disturbance. It was a person. She lay there in the snow, a bundle of white and flesh. After a while she even began to stir, the thin layer of frost falling off of her. Her black hair was in a tangle around her face, and as she stood up in the deep snow, it seemed as if her hair was stuck that way.

Hey,
I really liked how you described everything. It kept me reading. I don't have any complaints now, so keep writing!

Thanks for the comments, guys. ^_^

Fantasyartist>> I totally agree about the "it" thing. I changed it right away, so thanks for catching that.

Squallz>> Your comments are so awesome, I'm glad you liked it. And the Ranger's Station? I guess you'll have to wait for the next couple chapters. ^_~

Thanks again for any and all feedback.


MM

Hi Magicman. I know you have a fancy for fantasy so I'm here to critque

Snowflakes drifted down from the heavens. They spiraled and swirled in the winter air as if dancing to a symphony. The trees were wrapped in blankets of white, yet standing tall in the face of the biting winds. Even the layers of snow on the floor lay smooth and perfect.

Well, almost perfect.

There was a lump in the mix, interrupting the quiet beauty of the forest. It was white as well, but still distinctly out of place. The snowflakes around her even seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection.

Popping in to say something before this cursed library computer logs me off.

The snowflakes around her even seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection